Thorin has his 1st check-up with our pulmologist / respiratory specialist today and I am nervous. I am so afraid because I know the extent of this condition through stories shared in a support group. The Bible verse going through my mind is the one that says cast your fears upon Me, so I pray that God will help us through this journey and thank Him for how good it has been going.
My Thoughts:
Some babies have recently passed from this condition and others barely talk, can't talk, or use a speech therapist. It's hard to breathe and talk for some. Other babies are unable to keep food down and have a feeding tube in their nose and yet other babies have a feeding tube in their tummy. Some babies wear cpap machines because they have trouble breathing during sleep. Some babies have all of these things to deal with and yet there are other babies / kids who grow out of it, speak just fine, sleep okay, and keep food down.
All anybody hopes for is to have a nice and easy delivery and then take home a healthy baby, I know I did. But taking home a sick baby has happened twice now for me and tho Anders' heart condition has gone good thus far, that fear of knowing what could happen is always there for me. This is the beginning still of our journey with laryngomalacia and it seems that Thorin is on the milder side of this condition now, but that fear of knowing what could happen will be with me too. My heart breaks for these babies / kids and their family's and all I can do is pray for them, these families I don't even know yet we are connected through laryngomalacia. Often times I feel like I failed my two younger boys, because they have things wrong with them, wandering what could I have done differently. You see, there isn't anything I could have done, it's just something that babies get. If I let my mind wander long enough, I feel like I am penalized for the sins and rebellion years as a teen and young adult. That verse in the Bible that says the children will pay for the sins of the father (mother, in this instance). I know that verse isn't stated correctly but that is the way I hear it. I know these are negative thoughts, but I am only being honest. It's hard being a mom of a baby with a serious illness. I leave my heart wide open sharing my vulnerabilities in search of someone, anyone who will pat me on the back and tell me "It will be okay!"
My Thoughts:
Some babies have recently passed from this condition and others barely talk, can't talk, or use a speech therapist. It's hard to breathe and talk for some. Other babies are unable to keep food down and have a feeding tube in their nose and yet other babies have a feeding tube in their tummy. Some babies wear cpap machines because they have trouble breathing during sleep. Some babies have all of these things to deal with and yet there are other babies / kids who grow out of it, speak just fine, sleep okay, and keep food down.
All anybody hopes for is to have a nice and easy delivery and then take home a healthy baby, I know I did. But taking home a sick baby has happened twice now for me and tho Anders' heart condition has gone good thus far, that fear of knowing what could happen is always there for me. This is the beginning still of our journey with laryngomalacia and it seems that Thorin is on the milder side of this condition now, but that fear of knowing what could happen will be with me too. My heart breaks for these babies / kids and their family's and all I can do is pray for them, these families I don't even know yet we are connected through laryngomalacia. Often times I feel like I failed my two younger boys, because they have things wrong with them, wandering what could I have done differently. You see, there isn't anything I could have done, it's just something that babies get. If I let my mind wander long enough, I feel like I am penalized for the sins and rebellion years as a teen and young adult. That verse in the Bible that says the children will pay for the sins of the father (mother, in this instance). I know that verse isn't stated correctly but that is the way I hear it. I know these are negative thoughts, but I am only being honest. It's hard being a mom of a baby with a serious illness. I leave my heart wide open sharing my vulnerabilities in search of someone, anyone who will pat me on the back and tell me "It will be okay!"